Popping Off at the Mouth?
PROVERBS 17:14
Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate,
so stop before a dispute breaks out.
Let's first clear up what he is not talking about. He is not talking about sweeping problems under the rug because addressing them might create tension or conflict.
In Long-Haul relationships, there are frequent offenses and misunderstandings that need to be addressed. We will get to that in a bit.
The issue in 17:14 is the one who is popping off at the mouth!
The Hebrew more directly reads something like:
“One who lets water loose, the beginning of strife. And before the dispute breaks out, drop it.”
Floodgate
The image the first readers of Proverbs would have is this:
Picture a body of water being held back by packed dirt, mud, and rock. What happens if you intentionally make a small opening in that embankment? At first, the opening was only small. But the rushing water starts carrying the earth around it away, too. The opening gets wider. More dirt washes out. More water rushes through. And the force of that water starts loosening everything around it.
Pretty soon, nobody standing there gets to decide how wide that breach will become.
Quarrel
The word translated as "quarrel" means: strife, contention, quarreling. It is combative relational behavior.
You say something to provoke.
They respond with irritation.
Their irritation aggravates you.
Your aggravation makes them angry.
You never intended to address a problem lovingly. You are only provoking by popping off at the mouth:
“Are you seriously just going to sit there while I do all of this?”
“Of course you forgot. You always do.”
“I hope you realize how frustrating you are to deal with.”
“Why would I expect anything different?”
There is a huge difference between entering a difficult conversation and starting a quarrel.
So before you say it, ask yourself: Are you about to say it to enter a healthy conversation, or to provoke? You do not have to take the verbal pot shot or make the comment. So stop!
PROVERBS 18:19
An offended friend is harder to win back (reach) than a fortified city.
Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.
In 17:14, the danger was how easily popping off at the mouth causes damage.
Here in 18:19, the danger is what can happen after damage is repeatedly done.
Friend
The word translated “friend” is used more broadly and can refer to family or to someone you are in covenant with, such as a business partner or spouse.
Offended
The word “offended” is not talking about somebody getting their feelings hurt over nothing. Something real happened. Trust was violated. Loyalty was broken. The person that was supposed to be safe gave a relationally damaging hit.
The Gate
Ancient cities were built to keep people out, and the gate was the obvious weak point. So when the city needed to be secured, the gates were shut, and a massive beam was dropped across them from the inside.
That bar in the gate mattered because it was secured from the inside.
In a marriage, a barred gate can look like agreeableness. They stop bringing things up. They stop asking for change. And the other spouse reads the silence as peace.
The most dangerous season in a marriage is not always the loud one. Sometimes it is the quiet one after somebody stops trying to be heard. Sometimes the reason things got quiet is that somebody decided it was no longer worth saying anything.
In a friendship, the barred gate can look like distance.
They still answer your texts. They are still polite when they see you. But you just slowly realize they are not calling anymore. And worst of all, their last text response was, “k”! You are still technically friends, but you are no longer being let inside.
In a business partnership, the barred gate can look like control.
They stop trusting your judgment, so everything starts needing documentation, approval, and another person copied in. The partnership still functions. But trust has been replaced by safeguards.
That is the warning in this proverb. You can do real damage to a relationship and eventually find yourself standing outside a gate that you do not control.
PROVERBS 15:1
A gentle answer deflects anger,
but harsh words make tempers flare.
The first proverb was about not popping off. Don’t even start.
The second was about the damage you'd cause if you pop off.
15:1 catches us at this point: They just said something to provoke you. And, instead of responding with irritation, you chose to follow the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1.
We are going to do a fuller word study here because the imagery is so helpful.
Answer
The word translated “answer” means exactly that: a response. So this proverb assumes the other person has just popped off at you. You were just hit with something contentious and combative, and now you get to decide what happens next.
Gentle
The word translated “gentle” means soft or tender. It is used of Leah’s eyes in Genesis 29:17, “Leah was tender-eyed (KJV).” “Leah had nice eyes (The Message).
So “gentle” here has a kind of vulnerability. You can hit back, and you choose not to.
Sometimes a gentle answer sounds like:
“Can you say that again? I really want to hear what you are saying.”
You are refusing to answer their contentiousness with combativeness.
You are asking them to say it again, which gives them a chance to hear their own words, sit with them for a second, and check what is really driving them.
Deflects
Literally means to cause something to turn back. Provocation is moving toward you, and your response can actually change its direction. A soft answer makes wrath retreat.
But the second half of the proverb paints a different picture.
“Harsh words” is more literally a word of pain. Think of the painful toil of the ground in Genesis 3.
So this is more than being blunt or having a strong personality. It is a word that wounds. And that kind of word “makes tempers flare.”
The Hebrew literally gives the image of the nose rising or flaring. Anger is heating up.
And that means when somebody comes at you angry, irritated, defensive, or sharp, you have a decision to make before your next sentence leaves your mouth.
Are you waiting for your opening to hit back?
Can you answer in a way that gives the conversation somewhere better to go?
You may not control how they entered the conversation.
But you absolutely have some control over how your next sentence affects it.
The first proverb told us not to start a quarrel.
The second showed us what repeated relational damage can eventually do.
The third told us how to respond when somebody else comes at us that way.
This last proverb goes underneath all of it. It describes the kind of person who can live this way.
PROVERBS 19:11
Sensible people control their temper;
they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Controls their temper
The Hebrew literally says, “he makes his nose long.” It is a Hebrew idiom for being slow to anger. He creates some distance between the offense and his response.
That is the same Hebrew picture used of God in Exodus 34:6 when He is described as “slow to anger.” And it is the opposite of the movement shown in the image we just saw in 15:1, where anger causes the nose to rise or flare.
And that matters because wisdom includes knowing which offenses require a conversation and which do not.
Many of us process things at the same intensity. Every irritation gets discussed. Every disappointment gets examined. Every poorly chosen sentence becomes a conversation. When the small stuff gets the same weight as the significant stuff, the person you're in a long-haul relationship with cannot hear the difference.
Overlooking wrongs
The Hebrew literally says, “to pass over a transgression.” It is the same expression Micah 7:18 uses of God. So, it does not mean pretending the offense never happened. It means you saw it, you felt it, and you deliberately chose not to make it an issue.
SIDE NOTE: Overlooking an offense is not the same thing as ignoring an ongoing wound or pattern of harm.
Sometimes wisdom says, “We need to talk about this.”
And sometimes wisdom says, “I can let that go.”
Long-haul relationships need both.
PUTTING THE FOUR PROVERBS TOGETHER
Proverbs 17:14 says: Do not provoke. Do not be contentious or combative. When you feel yourself reaching for the verbal pot shot, just stop.
Proverbs 18:19 says: Remember what is at stake. Repeated relational hits can eventually leave you standing outside a barred gate you do not control.
Proverbs 15:1 says: When you are on the receiving end, do not return fire. Give the conversation somewhere better to go.
And Proverbs 19:11 gives us the interior life that makes all of that possible.
Slow down your anger.
Know what actually matters.
And learn that sometimes one of the wisest, strongest, most relationally mature things you can do with an offense is simply pass over it.
RELATIONSHIP COACHES CORNER
So here is what God wants us to do.
He wants us to become the kind of people who make all of our long-haul relationships stronger.
He wants us to be people who know how to carry strength without swinging it.
People who can absorb a moment without making it bigger.
People who can hear something sharp and still answer with grace.
People who know when to speak, when to wait, and when to let something die right where it landed.
He wants us to be people who decide in advance:
I am not going to make this worse.
I am going to protect what we have.
I am going to bring something better into this room than what was just handed to me.
And if both people start doing that, we have something now.
Now we have a marriage that can take a hit and keep moving.
Now we have a friendship that can survive a hard season.
Now we have a team that does not fracture every time tension shows up.
Now we have people who can stay together for the long haul.
So come on.
Let’s never pop off at the mouth.
Let’s be quick to repair, if we do.
Let’s be generous with grace.
Let’s be strong enough to let some things go.
And when the moment gets tense, when the words get sharp, when everything in you wants to fire back, remember what kind of people we are becoming in Christ.
We are becoming people who protect the relationship.
We are becoming people who know how to stay.
And by the grace of God, we are going to get better at this.
Together.
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